I remember my sophomore year of high school being so awful.
At one point my history class was going on a field trip to a museum and my mom for some reason really wanted to go, so me not minding my mom, said she should go. That day came around and my friend in the class wasn’t going anymore, making the crappy day I was having worse.
So, now I was alone.
We loaded onto the bus, my anxiety rising. My friends, now, ex boyfriend found me and sat with me, making me feel one thousand times better. Once we got to the museum we all had to split up. I quickly found my mom and stuck very close to her. Realizing that it probably seemed strange that I couldn’t handle being alone in a museum, I stayed far enough away from most of the parents and the other kids and pretended to be interested in everything so I didn’t look so pathetic. About an hour into the tour my anxiety took over and I felt like I was about to fall apart. I quickly found my mom and wrapped my arms around her trying not to cry. She obviously knew something was wrong and started talking, cracking jokes about things she heard the other teenagers saying and how they were acting, making me feel better.
I know this story doesn’t seem too important, but for me it really is. This was the last time my mom held me and comforted me. Almost two years ago. Since then, it’s been me holding her and giving her advice.
I just really need my mom right now.
For as long as I could remember, I hated myself.
Since the first day I looked in a mirror and understood what was in front of me, I couldn’t stand it.
My hair. My skin color. My body.
I didn’t look like the other girls.
As the years went by, I tried to tell myself I was perfect the way I was, but something kept eating me up inside. A voice kept whispering in my ear that I was never going to look like the others, that I was never going to be pretty.
I let it sink in and it got the best of me.
It attacked me every time it saw that I was vulnerable.
Everyday I looked in the mirror hating who I was, angry that God made me this way. Angry that he put me in the family he did. Frustrated that there was not one thing I could have done to change it.
As I got older, I began to buy magazines with these flawless celebrities on the covers and stick thin models throughout the pages.
I saw that my friends were thin, pale, and beautiful.
It hurt me every single day when I saw them. It still does.
As time went on, I couldn’t handle it anymore.
I began to starve myself for days until I couldn’t take it anymore.
After I realized that it wasn’t working I over ate.
Then, I began to hurt myself, for a number of reasons, not all pertaining to my self image.
At some points it got worse to where I tried to end my life, one of the many reasons was because I hated how I looked. I couldn’t stand it.
I pulled out of it every time. But the way I look still haunts me everyday.
I can’t help it.
But I’m trying to work at it everyday.
But a kid shouldn’t be allowed to hate who they are. Growing up feeling like they will never be beautiful and that no one will ever want them because they look different. They shouldn’t be able to let it hurt them and hurt themselves at such a young age. They shouldn’t be allowed to carry that with them for the rest of their lives.
It’s just not fair.
I wish I was able to sleep like a normal person.
I have been awake since 1 PM yesterday.
It is now 10 AM.
I have been awake for 21 hours and I’m still not the least bit tired.
Now, I know many people don’t really care, but I decided I would share my last 20 hours.
It’s not very exciting…
1PM- Wake up.
1:45-Go to store to pick up my new shampoo and conditioner.
1:50-Find out shampoo and conditioner were on sale, giving me enough money to buy some curly hair moisturizer.
2:15 through 4:30- Watched Keeping Up with the Kardashians while doing the last of my accounting class.
4:30 through 4:45- Sang and danced, excited to finally be done with high school.
4:45 through 5:15- Showered while, again, sang and danced, successfully avoiding slipping.
5:15 through5:45- Got ready and paced around my house waiting for my father to get home with his car.
5:50- Drove to my friends house.
6:00-Picked up Caroline.
6:20- Arrived at Starbucks.
6:20 through 8:30- Sat in complete bliss eating my blueberry scone and drinking my carmel frappe, while chatting with Caroline.
8:45- Dropped Caroline off.
9:00-Dropped my last tests off at the post office to be mailed.
9:00 through 9:05- Sang and danced, still excited to be done with school.
9:10 through 10:00- Watched SNL on Netflix.
10:00 through 11:30- Watched a movie.
11:30PM- Started to watch another movie.
12:15AM- Stopped watching the movie from getting too emotional about the characters.
12:15- Started another movie while on Tumblr.
1:45ish- Finished movie
1:45 through 2:30- Looked up DIY’s.
2:30 through 3:00- Screwed around on my sewing machine.
3:00- Decided to make bracelets.
4:00- Finished bracelets.
4:00 through 5:30- Cleaned my room and cleaned out my dresser.
5:30-Decided to clean my bathroom.
5:35- My dog keeps me company.
5:38- My dog stole my chapstick and ran.
5:45- My mom walks out of her room ecstatic to see me cleaning.
5:45 through 5:50- Show my mom my crafts.
6:15- My mom leaves for work.
6:20AM- Have an epiphany and begin to redecorate my bathroom.
6:20 through 7:00- Bathroom is looking beautiful.
7:15- Slice right pointer and ring finger on glass inside picture frame.
7:16 through7:25- Frantically search for bandages while blood drips down hand.
7:30- Realize I used the last bandage when cutting fingers last week.
7:32- Find gauze and wrap fingers.
7:35 through 7:45- Carefully finished framing pictures.
7:45- Realized all I had to eat in the last day was a scone.
7:47-Go to the kitchen and eats Cheez-its.
7:55 through 8:30- Search and find things to help decorate bathroom.
8:35-Look at hallway to see the old bookcase from my parents room.
8:36 through 8:50-Setting up new bookcase.
8:51-Pretty sure back is now broken.
8:52 through 9:12- Organize books.
9:15AM- Sit on bed and type out pointless schedule of my day.
I’m sorry if you wasted your time reading this…
I’m afraid that I am going to lose my inspiration.
I’m afraid of love.
I’m afraid to say or even let my self feel it.
I’m afraid of someone loving me.
But more than that, I am so afraid of falling out of love.
From watching movies, reading books and hearing fairytales, we are told that women need a man to come save them from the horrible lives they lead. Whether it be an evil step mother, a witch who locks you up in an ivory tower or a boring life. We are told we need to be saved.
One of my favorite things growing up was watching movies and reading books, especially romances. In almost all of these it has the female lead living a sad meaningless life, that is until this amazing male lead shows up out of no where and sweeps her off her feet and she’s happy for the rest of her life.
Yes, not every romance novel and movie is exactly this. Not every women was waiting and pining for a man to save her, but that’s what we get out of them, isn’t it?
Not every romance is meant to come off this way but when we are raised to see it like this, how else can we?
There are several books and movies where the female lead knows she doesn’t need a man to survive such as; Pride and Prejudice, 10 Things I Hate About You, and 500 Days of Summer. Sure, sometimes they end up falling for them, but what do you expect, its a romance.
The only problem is that most people will see these sort of movies and books the same as they would with others, such as; the Twilight series, P.S. I Love You, and Cinderella. The characters feel as if they’re nothing without each other.
I truly wish we weren’t raised thinking that we had to have a significant other in our lives to be happy and to feel complete. I wish we could all feel whole by just being ourselves and not having to rely on the fact that we might need someone in our lives to change that.
I wish that we could be enough to save ourselves.
I refuse to miss anyone who doesn’t miss me.
If they don’t care about me, then they are not worth my time.
Don’t be sad when someone in your life leaves you.
They were in your life for a reason.
Sometimes they are there for the long haul, but sometimes,
some people in our lives are meant to leave.
They always make an impact on us, whether it be big or small.
They make a difference and they mean something to us.
So never be upset if they leave.
I’m sorry I’m not the way I used to be.
Sorry that I changed.
But I’m trying to be there for you the only way I know how.